Site Name: Porkhead's Horror Movie Hole
Categories: Horror, Reviews and Humor
Rating: The site would probably fall under the age rating of NC-17, since I tend to fill it with bad language and other such foulness.
What is the main focus of your site?
Horror movie reviews, all done with a snotty, sarcastic and derisive slant.
What are your blogging goals, personally and/or professionally? In other words, what, if anything, are you trying to get out your blog?
As a wannabe film journalist, I'm looking to get my work seen, and to keep myself a busy and well practiced writer.
Do you prefer an interactive community for your blog or are you the teacher and your readers are the students?
I do love a good conversation and/or argument. Comments are welcome, if not encouraged. Even negative ones. An audience is an audience, even if they're shouting how much they hate me with every comment.
How long have you been movie blogging for, and how frequent do you post updates to your site?
I used to run a rather less impressive blog a few years ago, back when I was still a newbie reviewer. Porkhead's Horror Hole has been running since December '08, and I try to publish at least one new review a week. Since I've finished uni (where I used to write the reviews for the uni magazine) this has become once a day.
Name up to three of your favorite movies (and no more).
Evil Dead, Dead Man's Shoes and Ichi the Killer.
How did you hear about the LAMB?
Browsing other horror blogs, I noticed the banner for the LAMB come up with startling regularity. I want in on that.
Any additional comments, or give yourself an interview question that's not listed above.
Director: Jonathan Levine (2006)
Mandy Lane is described on the DVD case as “The OC meets Friday the 13th”. I like how they say that as if it’s a good thing. For all its contributions to horror cinema (not the least of which is the iconic Jason Voorhees), the original Friday the 13th is a slow, fitfully boring slasher flick which hasn’t aged too well. And the OC is one of the worst television programmes ever to exist, anywhere. Combining the two leaves us with a slow, fitfully boring movie that is full of annoying, boring teenagers trying to get laid, interspersed with whiny American rock montages.
But I’m grasping here. Mandy Lane is let down by everything else. The villain of the piece is unscary, unimposing, uninteresting and a fucking whingy bitch, to top it all. All of the cast (no exceptions whatsoever) are tiresome adverts for (a) contraception (b) murder. I don’t know if you’re supposed to sympathise with any of them, but you don’t. You wish that the bad guy would just hurry up and shotgun them all in the face, before turning the gun on himself.
The plot (cribbed from a similarly themed French chiller) follows a pretty young couple as they holiday to the rural, titular lake. A heartstrings-tugging marriage proposal is in the air, and they’re so gosh-darn lovely that the forthcoming nastiness is practically signposted. Their romantic weekend is rudely interrupted by a gaggle of noisy, recognizably horrible yobs. Soon enough, petty arguments escalate into brutal violence, and it’s adult VS yoof – to the death!
The past few paragraphs fail to convey just how horrible Eden Lake is. This isn’t a film you watch – this is something you experience. It’s all humourlessly done, with a sadistic streak so wide you could park a landrover on it. Forget the creepy blonde kids of Village of the Damned – these pre-pubescent psychopaths are achingly plausible and terrifyingly realised by the script and the child actors themselves. Kudos must go out to Jack O’ Connell, who plays Brett, the gang leader. He’s far scarier than any Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees. And worst of all, you can half expect to see him loitering outside your local chippy.
There’s no real beginning, middle or end. Characterization is nowhere to be found. There are no characters anywhere to be found, for that matter. There’s no action and no climax to anything, besides perhaps inside the pants of those desperate enough to be jerking along to this masturbatory nonsense. The acting is uniformly awful (although Zebub would insist that’s the point) and most of the titular 'Scream Queens' are not an attractive sight to behold, unless you like cellulite. In place of its plot, Kill the Scream Queen consists of a series of vignettes (each imaginatively entitled something like “torture” or “molestation”) in which a different girl ends up variously bound, naked and dead.
Mr. Zebub has a bone to pick with the “scream queens” populating modern horror with bad acting and constant tit shots. He aims to make a snuff movie to remedy the situation. This is billed as a satire, which in this case is like advertising Little Man as a comedy. There are about six boring deaths before the movie comes to an end, although you only need to watch the first ten minutes to get Zebub’s gist.
In all honesty, the very movies Zebub is critiquing all wind up being better than even one minute of this cheap, sleazy, stupid crap. Avoid, unless you’re a masochist, and hate your own eyes.
The supposedly intelligent Lohan is kidnapped and gratuitously tortured with blocks of ice and the colour blue. Watching I Know Who Killed Me for the first time, I was surprised by how gruesome the violence really is. Poor Aubrey comes out of her ordeal minus a leg, some fingers and possibly her mind. She insists that she isn’t Aubrey, but moreover, her twin, Dakota the prudish stripper. As you see, just like The Parent Trap, with one twin pretending to be the other, and vice versa. If you ask me, that aforementioned kiddie-flick could have used a serial killer, to alleviate the Dennis Quaid (replaced in this movie with the much more fun Neal McDonaugh).
Colour blind people and dogs should not watch this movie, because a lot of the subtext will be lost on them. Neither should people with Cyanophobia. Come to think of it, nobody should watch this movie, but you’ll need access to a full palette of colour vision to fully appreciate it. There is a lot of blue in this flick. I’m sure there’s some complex psychological reason for it, but it just comes across as pretentious. Everything is blue here, from a rose given to Aubrey to the gag and pill shoved in her mouth during the torture scenes. I'm still disappointed that nobody bothered to use 'Blue (Da Ba Dee)' by Eiffel 65 on the soundtrack. Conversely, the palette switches to red when she’s in the ‘Dakota’ persona to emphasize that she’s a whore now.
20 favourite horror books
10 origins that ruined perfectly good characters
10 Banalities of Stultifying Terror
10 unsexy vampires
10 female horror villains
10 reasons I didn't update this week
10 movies no horror fan should admit to liking
5 scary Batman comics
5 ways to improve the Saw franchise
Crap serial killers of British TV